Ten-year-old Billy Johnson, star student at Mountainside Christian Academy, is getting into the Christmas Spirit in a big way this year. According to an email he sent into our news station he’s got plans for Jolly Old Saint Nick himself.
“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus,” he began in his email, “So I snuck into my father’s room to retrieve his AR-15, careful to not alert him of my mother falling for a silver-tongued devil. Now, I’m going to eradicate Santa Claus from existence. I will not stand by and allow infidelity to tear my family apart. Let this be a warning to all who would corrupt the sanctity of marriage!”
This email was as shocking for us as it would be for you, but it’s true: this ten-year-old still believes in Santa Claus! Rather than ruin the magic of Christmas for him, we decided to keep his spirits high and leave such a reveal to his mom and dad.
Billy’s email included a cute 100 page manifesto which summed up his general thoughts on why this legendary figure would specifically choose his family to ruin. He then endearlingly, yet ominously, concluded that Santa was likely serial degenerate and would go on to ruin many other families unless intervened. He closed out the manifesto with a proclamation of himself as the “hero of lore” and resigning himself to his fate.
We emailed Billy back to see if he thought this would land him on the “naughty” or “nice” list, but he responded “It matters not the opinions of a disreputable man with a perverse moral compass. His end is nigh.”
Sounds good, Billy! Childlike innocence is a wonder to behold. Merry Christmas, readers!