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Bernie Sanders Orders Willy Wonka to “Speed These Eliminations Along” To The Rest Of The Tour Group’s Horror

As the Oompa Loompas wrapped up their song about Pete Buttigieg before turning him into a M & M and slingshotting him out the window – thus eliminating him from the Democratic race – Bernie Sanders was noted checking his watch several times and yawning before giving Willy Wonka the “wrap it up” signal. This came to the shock and horror of the rest of the tour group, including the remaining Democratic candidates and pre-teens Veruca Salt, Mike Teavee, and Charlie Bucket.

“Speed these eliminations along,” Sanders reportedly told their maniacal tour guide Willy Wonka, “I want to see what’s at the end of the tour. I’m not getting any younger.”

At this point Joe Biden reportedly “hurled his lunch”, still reeling in horror from the ways the tour group had been eliminated so far. Later testimony would include Augustus Gloop being sucked into the chocolate river pipe, Andrew Yang being catapulted off of candy mountain, Tom Seyer being wrapped around a gigantic candy cane, Violete Beaugarde being turned into a giant blueberry, and now Buttigieg’s tragedy. The tour was getting sick, and it wasn’t from the candy.

But Bernie Sanders watched this all with a fire in his eyes. He just wants to see this through, confident that he would make it to the end. He even reportedly tried to push ten-year old Charlie Bucket off the boat while Wonka wasn’t looking.

“I’m after a much bigger Oompa Loompa than the ones you’ve got,” Sanders told Wonka.

Only time will tell who will be the next to receive a dreaded, yet catchy, Oompa Loompa eulogy.

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