Mike Bloomberg woke up on Wednesday, March 4th in cold sweats. “I had no idea who I was, or what had happened the past few months. Last thing I remember is going out to do my Christmas shopping,” the former democratic nominee said in a press conference, “Furthermore, who the fuck are all you people and why are you so interested in me?”
Bloomberg’s mood would shift from confused to bewildered to furious as he learned that he had spent the past few months blowing through $500 million in an attempt to secure the Democratic Nomination in a bid for the presidency.
“I feel like one of those seniors that gets taken advantage of by the scam callers,” the 78-year old business magnate said, “I spent how much on trying to do what now? And you all just let me? You just sit there and let me?”
Bloomberg began to rage out at the press conference, throwing pieces of his podium at attendees that would “prey upon a middle-aged man in his time of weakness”, before quickly turning much of his ire on his campaign manager upon hearing that, despite him withdrawing from the race, he had already paid so many millions that his ads would continue running through November 5th, 2 days after the theoretical election would have already been decided.