Career Thief Laments Shortage of Face Masks; Denounces Hoarders

Amidst the current pandemic, elderly, sickly, and young alike are hoarding masks, gloves, and hand sanitizer across the globe. And Jeremy Bennett, seven time arrestee at the Tennessee County Jail, has had enough of it.

“Just the other day my bud put together a great score for us,” said the high school dropout with pending charges across five states, “We were going to sneak in around 3 AM, grab everything we could carry, and be out before anyone was none the wiser. But then we found that the asshole had the nerve to install security cameras, and we were fresh out of masks. How is anyone supposed to make money under these conditions? How am I supposed to do my job? I want to work as badly as the rest of you.”

Bennett says that his concerns extend even beyond medical masks.  ” Halloween masks, bandanas, you name it and people are stocking it up to reduce the amount of germs they spread,” he complained, “Hello? What about us? What about the hardworking Americans spending hours of their days to undermine security, working high risk jobs and eluding the police?”

Bennett wanted to reach out and send out a desperate plea to people currently stockpiling supplies – consider leaving some of the shelves for your unfriendly neighborhood criminals.

“I keep hearing people saying nurses and doctors are the hardest working people right now,” Bennet said, “But no, it’s us, the mask-less thieves, still risking our lives even though we can’t conceal our identities.  Please, do us a solid. Leave a couple of the shitty masks around for us, and maybe we’ll go easy on your jewelry box.”

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