Las Vegas police are searching for five people wanted for the televised murder of Mike Bloomberg.
In what appeared to be some sort of high production value snuff film, several people filmed themselves murdering the Democratic Presidential Candidate late Wednesday night. They took turns piling on him, blow after blow, and left him with little room to talk, let alone breathe.
“It was disgusting,” said Las Vegas Police Chief Joseph Lambardo, “In my 32 years of service, I’ve seen some sick shit, but this takes the cake. We’re going to catch those sickos and persecute them to the full extent of the law. We may even treat them as African-Americans and ensure they don’t even make it back to booking. The sooner they’re off the streets, the better.”
According to the police, the assailants bear a shocking resemblance to presidential candidates Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, and Amy Klobuchar. They are warning the general public to be careful around anyone resembling these five before they “dismantle you and everything you stand for.”
Mike Bloomberg was 78 years old.