Love was in the air on Sunday, and so were bullets as fast acting TSA agents were able to eliminate 38 year-old Henry Johnson as he ran through the Hartsfield-Jackson airport, dashing past passengers and security checkpoints, with the goal of stopping his ex-wife Candace from boarding a plane and moving to another country with her new beau.
“Yeah, we think he was planning on making some grand proclamation of love, but if you want to do that, you’ve gotta go through the lines and security checks just like everybody else,” said David Pekoske, head of the Transportation Security Administration. “As far as I’m concerned, this guy was just as much scum as Danny Mick, the kid that cut me in line at Six Flags back in middle-school. And they both ended up the exact same way.”
When questioned on whether or not they thought Henry had posed a risk to other travelers, they were quick to dismiss that idea entirely. One TSA agent claimed, “The longer you work on the job, the more you get an eye for this sort of thing. Some people are shifty and nervous for no reason. This guy was yelling “Candace!” at the top of his lungs and held a bouquet of flowers. We understood that he was acting out of pure love. But once he passed Gate G without stopping to get his ID checked, he had to go.”
Candace could not be reached for comment, but witnesses claim her new boyfriend winked and thanked the TSA agents before sliding them a twenty.
Pekoske had these final thoughts to offer on the situation. “Leave running after your lover to through the house, or out to the driveway, and otherwise resort to phone calls and texts like a normal fucking person.”