New Years Resolutions: NSA Promises More Attentive Listening To Everything You Say and Do

General Paul M. Nakasone, concurrently serving as the Director of the National Security Agency, has made his branch’s New Years Resolutions loud and clear – not unlike our private conversations.

“Yeah, we know that a lot of people tend to set these ambitious goals for themselves and then lose track a few weeks in, but we’re really dedicated to ramping up how much we listen in on anything and everything the American people discuss,” the director said.

“The difference between my goal of spying more effectively and the goal of say, Johnathan Greene from Rhode Island who was born in December 1986 and mentioned in bed to his wife Shelley Greenberg that he might want to lose 10 pounds in the New Year is that, my goal is easily achievable. All we had to do is turn up the global receiver volume and, just like that. I’ll be better able to hear what Shelley Greenberg muttered back to her husband while she was half-asleep.

“We also plan to work more congruently with ad agencies in 2020. If we can get them to advertise products that you’ve mentioned in passing to your friends and track whether or not you buy them, we’ll learn a little bit more about you. Whether you’re the type of person who follows up on things they mention in passing, what kind of things you’re interested in, it will all flow very well together, and those ad agencies are already gathering that sort of data at an alarming pace. We might as well work with them,” he chuckled.

Sounds like the NSA will be keeping us on our toes in the coming year. We then asked what Nakasone’s general directive was for the future, and where he saw all this leading a few years down the line.

“What is our goal? Have you seen the movie Minority Report?”

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