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Pete Buttigieg – “I’m Not Gay, I’m Pete Buttigieg”

Pete Buttigieg does not want to be identified as a gay man or associated with other gay men or even man in general, saying he has transcended what it means to be a human being and reached a height of living incomprehensible to other mortals.

“I NO LONGER RELATE TO THE STRUGGLES OF THE TYPICAL HUMAN,” Pete warbled as he floated high above the other Democratic candidates, glowing with divine energy, “THEIR HURDLES ARE INFINITESIMAL IN THE GRAND ORDER OF THE COSMOS.”

The revelation that Buttigieg had ascended, in a process he attempted to coin as “BUTTIGIEGING”, came after he made a comment denouncing both Trump’s stances resembling that of the conservative 50s, and Bernie’s stances resembling that of the liberal, freedom seeking 60s.

“I HAVE ASCENDED PAST BOTH TIME PERIODS. I AM NOT A GAY MAN. I AM NOT A MAN AT ALL,” said the democratic nominee as his head hit the ceiling of the Gailard Center, “I AM ONLY PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE PAST ARE BENEATH ME. ONLY THE FUTURE IS MY CONCERN, AND MY VISION FOR IT IS GLORIOUS.”

Though Pete’s claims are bold, perhaps bold enough to win him some votes out of pure shock value, research has shown that 100% of previous winners identified themselves as humans. A Buttigieg victory would be a historic upset.

 

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