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Republicans: “Who In The Fuck Is Pete Buttigieg?”

The Iowa Caucus results were finally posted after much delay, and the results have Republicans desiring the inside scoop on “The random guy that Iowans apparently love so fucking much.”

The results show the Iowa Democratic Party voting for Pete Buttigieg to lead over Bernie Sanders by 1.6 points.

Thomas Hicks Jr. Co-chairman of the Republican National Committeee, was outraged. “Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to get dirt on every Mike, Tim, and Harry that decides they want to “take a crack” at running for President? It’s exhausting,” He said. “The best part of election year is when the opposition actually settles on one fucking person so we can converge our efforts on destroying them.

Hicks went on to explain, “I thought this year we were getting a fucking break, we already have dirt on Joe Biden and we’ve put in the legwork on Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, just in case Bernie pulls a fast one or the DNC decides to toss Warren at us as a Hail Mary.”

“But now you’re telling me we have to do the research on this Pete Buttigieg human? I don’t even know how to say his last name, let alone research and destroy everything that he’s ever held dear.”

Republicans are now scrambling to deal with the possibility of Buttigieg being the biggest wrench in their 2020 Election goals. However, Hicks thinks that cursory Google results might lead voters away from Pete after all.

“Did you know he’s gay? I just found that out and while obviously I don’t have a problem with that – we’re quite progressive at the RNC – you mean to tell me that country bumfuck Iowa is OK with that? Like really? Iowa? Am I confusing Iowa with one of those other only-matter-during-election season states? Iowa is the corn place right?”

 

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