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Santa Claus on Religion: “I’m A Little Too Old To Believe In Jesus”

We caught up with the Jolly Old Saint Nick himself while he was making preparations for his annual charity drive. During the interview, we were surprised to pick up on hints of jadedness, melancholy, and general sense of malaise about what it means to exist.

“Did you know that all religion is fictitious?” He asked in response to our question about what the most requested video games of the year were. “You and me are real – but the men and women in the books – It’s all a lie. A farse, with made up figures used to appease the weak and lull you into false security!” he yelled, before slapping the cookies and milk we offered out of our hands.

He then went on to express fury at his parents for “letting him believe in this fantasy for so long.” He stated that he should have realized it himself, because “his dad and Jesus were never in the same room at the same time”.

“That should have tipped me off, right there,” he said, chastising himself, “I thought he looked a little too much like my dad beneath the wig and the iron nails embedded in his limbs.”

Sensing a little displeasure, we wrapped up the interview by coyly asking him how he planned to spend his night on December 24th.

“Oh, you will all see soon enough. The veil has been broken, and my fury has come unbound! The stories in the good book may not be true, but my plan to wreak my revenge shall go down as truly biblical,” He said before cackling and hopping onto his sleigh and taking off into the night.

Sounds fun, Nick!

 

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