Fears of a coming World War 3 are rising after a US airstrike killed top Iranian commander Qassem Solaimani. In order to help the American people relax, the United States Army issued a statement on what will happen when the war does arrive.
“Well first off, we don’t want any of you pasty fucking millennials in the army, that’s for sure,” said army spokeswoman Lt. Col. Robin Ochoa. “There’s no avocado toast or gluten-free soy lattes to keep you afloat in the heat. You’d be useless.”
“Instead, we’re going to be looking at some of the seasoned middle schoolers and high schoolers – veterans of the many school shootings that have been plaguing our country for the past decade or so. Those who have seen their friends and family injured by senseless violence will be more mentally prepared to do the same on the battlefield,” she said.
When we followed up with her, asking if there’s any plans on how to deal with the violence in our country before causing more in another, she stated, “School shootings, just like war, are inevitable. And the fact that our country is involved in a disproportionate amount of both is simply a testament to our greatness.”